2016 has been a tricky year. We have lost many beloved faces and some of my personal experiences have been, speaking frankly, awful. My MS symptoms have been up and down and I can confirm that I know what rock bottom looks like. Or at least what I hope was rock bottom!

I started the year full of hope. Super Sarah and I, along with my mum, started planning a trip to New York. Whilst this would be my second visit to the Big Apple, I was just as excited! We were happy to be ticking an item off my Mum’s bucket list and to be part of something like that was very special.

The trip was as amazing as I had hoped – New Yorkers were very welcoming, the sun was beautifully warm, the sights were incredible and the food, well there is really no adequate way to describe the mouth watering treats we consumed!

Yet there was something lingering, pulling at me mentally but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I ignored it, moving forward. I then found out the news that my department at work was closing and I would be moving into a job I had done 5 years ago. I carried on as normal, pushing forward because what was the point on being held back, right?

After starting the training for the new role at work, I felt that niggle again but I was too occupied with training to pay it any attention. I made a huge decision and decided to go part-time at work to help my fatigue, and I hoped that would make the lingering feeling go away. It did not, in fact it gave me more time to think, to brood. My fatigue had never been better and my work-life balance was suited me, yet I still wasn’t satisfied.

Then, one day in early August, I had a complete meltdown. You can read about this in one of my previous blog posts, Highs and Lows, if you wish. I realised then that Super Sarah was right. That lingering feeling, niggling at me was depression and I had ignored it to the point that I was struggling to leave the house each day. I have a daily struggle with anxiety already which meant the prospect of leaving the comfort and safety of my home was terrifying, and coupled with the depression, this meant that I had zero motivation to do anything about it.

Depression has been the hardest journey that I have been on. Since being diagnosed I have started different medication and had a course of counselling which has changed the direction that I am heading in. Instead of a downward spiral, I am now on the up. The gradient is pretty steep but I am moving in the right direction now and I feel more like myself again which is fantastic.

On my dark days, I was unable to look forward, I could see nothing but the present, however bleak that appeared to me. I retreated, hiding inside my head so nothing could touch me. I felt nothing, no excitement, no happiness, not even sadness, just nothing.

With the counsellors help, I no longer ignore a niggling feeling. I had been ignoring this since my diagnosis with MS. I am finally processing what it means to have MS, and whist I know that things can change at any moment, in my usual style, you will find me smiling on the positive side. I can feel again too, feeling excited for the festive period was amazing considering a few months previously, this wouldn’t have even phased me.

The medication has helped too, chemically, things are are starting to balance now and I feel like I am starting to build my life back. To be able to look forward and reflect back is a new feeling for me and means I can now move on, Super Sarah and I can plan our future.

2016, you have been a real challenge but I have learned a lot this year. When I look back at this year, I will try to see the positive undercurrents – Super Sarah and I celebrated one year of marriage, I discovered a lot about myself that I can be proud of and there have been many lessons I can draw on. Instead of making New Year Resolutions, I am going to draw a line in the sand. 2017 is going to be a fresh start and I will be moving forward towards where I want to be.

2017, I welcome you with open arms!