Inspired by Jae Nichelle “Friends with Benefits”

Anxiety and I go way back. I thought she moved in recently but when I think about it, we have been through a lot together. When we were at school, she was there lurking under the surface making things just a little harder. As if going through puberty, exams, hormonal shifts and growing up wasn’t hard enough, she liked to trouble me when trying to sleep. It’s funny because she does the same thing now and reminds me of all those times during those years when I could have done something differently, said something another way even though it has been 20 years.

I thought I could ditch her when I went to University. A new start, meeting new people and fresh experiences but somehow, she could even spin that into something that was, quite frankly, terrifying. By this point in life, I realised that we had never been friends but as much as I tried to ignore her, she always got the last word. Despite her following me around, I met the love of my life and I was happy. I made it through University even though she tried to sabotage me a number of times. I started to push her away, not listening as she tried to tell me how she saw things, and was getting quite good at it, or so I thought. Then my physical health started to change.

She reared her ugly head and told me many horrible things and I believed her so I pushed people away. Slowly I started to realise that she was in control again and she invited a friend to stay; she is known as depression. She does the exact opposite of her roommate, she takes my energy and my motivation and makes me feel low.

I realised that I would need some help if we were to continue to inhabit the same space. I tried counselling and the skills that were taught to me were helpful at first, but they soon figured them out and began to pull down my fragile defences. Medication is now dulling their voices, it doesn’t always work but the majority of the time it does, and for the first time in a long while I feel in control.

I know the signs to look for when they have spotted a moment of weakness; I know what has to be done to relieve the pressure I feel or when my mood is low, when they are trying to push through; I know how to keep them at bay when I feel them just under the surface, letting me know that they are still there but I am not frightened of them anymore. I am in control.